As noted at Comics Alliance and elsewhere, Scott Kurtz is not someone that you invite to an event lightly. We did a little digging, and were able to find a few other responses that Mr. Kurtz has written to invitations over the years.
From: Maddy Palmer
To: Scott Kurtz
Dear Mr. Kurts,
I hope you are well. I like your comic. I am celebrating my fifth grade graduation this weekend. Since you are my favorite webcomic guy, I would like to invite you to come. I have one extra ticket since my parents are divorced and Daddy is in Haiti with his secretary. The event will be at Abraham Lincoln Elementary in Urbana, Illinois. Can you come? I love PvP.
Thank you,
Maddy
Dear Maddy,
First of all, my name is Mr. Scott KurtZ, not Kurts. Kurtz like Marlon Brando in “Apocalypse, Now”. Not that you’d understand that reference, and not that you’ve read “Heart of Darkness”, either, since your father obviously neglects you.
Just you so know, I am not just a “webcomic guy”. My official titles are Tastemaker and Pioneer. That actually makes me Mr. Tastemaker and Pioneer Scott KurtZ if you’re paying attention.
Now, about your fifth grade graduation. Fifth grade graduation is total horseshit. It’s one of thirteen ceremonial turds you’ll crap out before you hit college. No amount of polishing your fifth grade turd is going to make it worth anything. What did you do? Long division? Cursive? Please. The economy continues to tank, and soon all education will lack any value. We should celebrate this?
And Lincoln? They dishonor the name of Abraham Lincoln, our sixteenth president, by slapping his name on a bastion of non-achievement like your school? I will eternally hate the city of Urbana for doing that. Eternally. As in Eternity. Like in the “Eternity for men” ads. Eternal – wait for it – ly.
Maybe if you cared enough to get my name right, or actually learned who the presidents were aside from the one that you enter every day, I’d give you THIS FIVE MINUTES. As it is, I won’t.
Give your Daddy my best. And I’ll give your Mommy my best if I see her. Otherwise, shove fifth grade up your ass.
Best,
Scott Kurtz
Tastemaker, Pioneer, Legend, Ruler of Goddamn Australia
www.pvponline.com
P.S. Please take my name off the invite list for your no-boobs-yet sixth grade graduation.
Letter #2
Shalom, Mr. Kurtz!
My name is David Greenberg, and I’m celebrating my Bar Mitzvah on Saturday, Novemeber 21st. It’s at West Town Synagogue in Smithtown, Michigan. Please RSVP, or is that “RSPVP”? LOL. Thanks! Big fan.
Thank you,
David
Dear David,
Do you realize that you just spelled “November” incorrectly? I mean, it’s only the month in which the MOST IMPORTANT EVENT of your young life is taking place. Why would it be important to get the month right? But let’s not bother with mundane details.
Your manhood ceremony is horseshit. How can you be a man at 13? Have you even seen an uncovered breast, let alone touched one? You’re as much of a man as Heidi Klum. Anyway, your adult life is going to crap out by your eighteenth birthday in 2015. Your event serves no purpose but to bury a childhood that I have no ties to.
If you even thought about what I was doing, given my duties as Tastemaker and Pioneer, then you wouldn’t have asked me. Enjoy your adult life, and your inevitable bankruptcy.
Best,
Scott Kurtz
Tastemaker, Pioneer, New Bassist for Metallica, Master of Puppets
www.pvponline.com
P.S. Who am I kidding? You’ll never touch boobs.
Letter #3
Dear Mr. Kurtz,
We hope this letter finds you well. My name is Norman Gibson, and we’re hosting the First Annual Webcomics Tastemaker and Pioneer Awards ceremony. We were hoping that you might be the keynote speaker. Please respond to the number provided.
Thank you,
Norman Gibson
Chair, WTPA
Dear Norman,
What gives you the right to decide who the Tastemakers and Pioneers are? As a Tastemaker and Pioneer that knows that he’s a Tastemaker and Pioneer, I don’t need your dick-measuring contest to tell me what I am. All you’re going to do is fracture your arm patting yourself on the back.
Remember Gareb Shamus? Remember when he was a Tastemaker and Pioneer? Where were you when he was a Tastemaker and Pioneer? I mean, now he craps out turds shaped like magazines and conventions, but you weren’t there when he WAS a Tastemaker and Pioneer!
You make me madder than The Hulk. Jack Kirby’s version of the Hulk from when he started out gray before he was green and then turned gray again and was two Hulks. That’s me. Hulking out at you in full-on gray-green, surrounded by Kirby Crackle. Hating you forever.
So no, I can’t make it.
Best,
Scott Kurtz
Tastemaker, Pioneer, Awesome
www.pvponline.com
[Yes. This is a parody. Thanks. - The Management]
November 6th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
Scott would never say no to a Bar Mitzvah, there is all sorts of food at those things.
November 6th, 2009 at 1:55 pm
I expect the reply to be Homeric in proportions…
November 6th, 2009 at 3:16 pm
I understand he is passionate and driven, and that’s why he is so successful; but he is a very angry, angry man, and eventually that’s going to come back and hurt him.
November 6th, 2009 at 3:19 pm
And, yes, I’m fully aware that this is tantamount to inviting Kurtz into this thread to kick my ass.
November 6th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
“Have you even seen an uncovered breast, let alone touched one? You’re as much of a man as Heidi Klum.”
Umm.. Heidi Klum probably has touched one. Therefore…
November 6th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
If this were the Talk@ boards, I’d be pasting in that animated gif of the Joker eating popcorn.
November 6th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
“[Yes. This is a parody. Thanks. - The Management]”
Was this necessary?
Because, let’s face it, all it takes is one idiot – and the internet is full of them – to take this entry seriously, miss your silly disclaimer at the bottom, and go stomping off into the webs to start some shit.
November 6th, 2009 at 5:00 pm
Dude, that was FUCKING awesome. Hilarious. Thanks for that. I needed it today! Linked you in twitter.
p.s. I would never attended your horseshit blog. I hate you with the proportional hate of a spider.
November 6th, 2009 at 5:06 pm
These are awesome. Well written, and they almost sound like Scott. Also, I’d rest easy, Mr. Smith. I feel fairly certain Mr. Kurtz realizes once you can’t laugh at yourself anymore, you’re totally screwed.
November 6th, 2009 at 5:07 pm
Wow. Scott Kurtz hated this so much he called it “the funniest response to my Wizard letter.” Never would have read this unless he had linked it. Glad he did because it is god damn funny. Good work.
November 6th, 2009 at 5:07 pm
Very amusing. Thank God “Kurt” linked to the page from his Twitter account.
November 6th, 2009 at 5:12 pm
LOL. The last one would have to be my favorite.
November 6th, 2009 at 5:18 pm
The dude works in a industry which is filled with mediocrity and people trying to make a quick buck. I don’t blame him for getting upset at people who don’t have their act together. I know doctors who get upset at other doctors who do a terrible job, many would think the upset doctor was being responsible and caring about his industry. I think Scott sees people who try to take advantage of him and others like him and he gets mad, and I don’t blame him for it.
November 6th, 2009 at 5:25 pm
lol! Great parody. Scott K (or Kurt?) would probably think that this is hilarious. I don’t think people understood that he purposefully went overboard on his letter, and they took him seriously. Which make it even more funny to me.
November 6th, 2009 at 5:34 pm
That was great!
REally well done!
And so glad KurtZ linked to it on twitter.
November 6th, 2009 at 5:44 pm
That was awesome. His original reply made my day, but this is so great. “Otherwise, shove your fifth grade up your ass.” = GOLD.
November 6th, 2009 at 6:55 pm
I’m officially changing my Twitter title to “Tastemaker, Pioneer, Legend, Ruler of Goddamn Australia”
November 6th, 2009 at 7:13 pm
The funniest thing associated with Kurtz in at least 6 years. He is the Kanye West of webcomics.
November 6th, 2009 at 8:10 pm
That was funny, really funny.
Peace.
November 6th, 2009 at 8:59 pm
OMG dying of laughter! I thought Scott Kurtz’s original letter was hilarious and this is just icing on the cake! Still think sticking it to Wizard is more poignant than telling “Maddy”, “David” and “Norman” what’s what.
November 7th, 2009 at 12:12 am
For a moment I was afraid it was real
November 7th, 2009 at 1:13 am
Dear Mr. Kurt Scotts
Since you have free time from turning down so many of these many exciting events, please consider coming to Hoboken, NJ to be the Guest of Honor for the local Jaycess Ladies Auxiliary Softball Team Support Staff Bridge Club Semi-montly “NIght of 1000 Cards!” sponsored by Kotex™. It will be such a thrill for you to be surrounded by many game-crazy ladies. We might just teach you a thing or two about how to beat a rubber. Look forward to plenty of Orange Sherbet/7up punch and ambrosia salad. See you there.
November 7th, 2009 at 2:48 am
Fine, funny stuff.
November 9th, 2009 at 7:06 pm
Really digging the “Eternal, wait for it, ly!”, How I Met Your Mother reference. Score.