It’s time again to interview one of the heroic icons of comicdom regarding their representation in the land of Halloween costumes. With a little help from Daily Bugle photog Peter Parker, we were able to round-up some time with our friendly neighborhood Spider-Man.
NRAMA: Thanks, Spidey!
Spider-Man: This isn’t just going to be a hatchet job, is it?
NRAMA: No. Why would you think that?
Spider-Man: I haven’t had the best relationship with the press. I stop a robbery, and the Bugle says, “Spider-Man: Robbery Suspect?” I rescue kids from a burning building, and it says, “Spider-Man: Arsonist?” Then there was that time I rescued the sheep from the collapsing 4H building.
NRAMA: What was the headline?
Spider-Man: I’d rather not talk about it.
NRAMA: Well, then, let’s start with the costumes . . .
Spider-Man: Man, that’s hilarious! They’re dooming that poor kid to a life of inconsistent pay and romantic woe.
NRAMA: How about this, then?
Spider-Man: Niiiiiiiice. They must have based that on the Ultimate Comics version. He’s got this huge freaking melon. It’s like Charlie Brown under there. Or The Watcher.
The Watcher: I heard that.
Spider-Man: Yeah, yeah.
NRAMA: Actually, your reference to Ultimate Comics made me wonder: what do you think of the comics based on you?
Spider-Man: They’re not bad. They have some good guys over there . . . Waid, “Giggles” Guggenheim. Slott’s funny, but he’s a bad dude. I heard he killed a blogger once.
Spider-Man: No kidding. He knocked the guy down and was all like, “Schwapp! Schwapp! Schwapp!” on his head. It was hardcore.
Spider-Man: Anyway, more costumes?
Spider-Man: Actually, it’s kind of touching when parents dress their kids up as me. I loved Halloween as a kid. It was my favorite holiday.
Spider-Man: Yeah. My aunt would make my costumes. One year I was Captain America. Another year, my aunt wanted me to dress like something from her childhood, so I was a pilgrim.
Spider-Man: I think that kid has dislocated shoulders.
NRAMA: I think those are fake muscles.
Spider-Man: And yet it looks like a real medical problem. Moms? Dads? Don’t put your kids in fake muscles. That’s like having your boss walking around with a backward baseball cap.
NRAMA: Uh . . .
Spider-Man: Or mouse ears.
NRAMA: Moving on!
Spider-Man: Well, that’s not awkward.
NRAMA: Sorry, Spidey.
Spider-Man: I have a lot of issues with the black costume. It’s brought me a lot of misery. I mean, you saw the third movie, right? Though one time I did write a letter to Marvel and suggest that they should have Bendis do a book set in the ’70s where Luke Cage gets the symbiote and call it . . .
NRAMA: Don’t say it!
Spider-Man: Black Spider-Man!
Spider-Man: Get it? Like Black Panther and Black Goliath and Black Marvel and . . .
NRAMA: We get it.
Spider-Man: Too much?
NRAMA: We’ll check the posts later and let you know.
NRAMA: Excuse me?
Spider-Man: Maybe it’s my pathological self-loathing on top of my obvious pre-powers inferiority complex, but I can’t imagine an adult male wanting to be me.
NRAMA: The people love you, Spidey.
Spider-Man: Eh. They love cartoon Spidey and movie Spidey. Every year, some idiot dressed like me ends up hanging himself trying to upside-down-kiss his girlfriend. It weighs on a guy. Adult men! Dress like someone worthy of your praise, like my buddy President Obama. Or Ron Jeremy.
NRAMA: As inappropriately timed as it is, here are some of the Spidey costumes for the ladies.
Spider-Woman: That is NOT my costume.
Spider-Man: Jess! When did you get here?
Spider-Woman: Just in time to see this piece of crap. I wouldn’t be caught dead in that outfit.
NRAMA: It says here that it’s “Spider-Girl”.
Spider-Woman: Where’s the mailbag for the letter-writing campaigns?
Spider-Man: Good one!
Spider-Woman: Thanks. But I don’t get why they couldn’t make my outfit?
Spider-Man: Could it be that someone that looked just like you was trying to kill the whole human race?
Spider-Woman: Come on! We know that was a Skrull.
Spider-Man: WE know that. But you’re asking the same people that think Balloon Boy is hard news to understand that you’re not really an alien.
Spider-Woman: I’m not really an alien.
Spider-Man: Call Orly Taintz. I’m sure she’ll believe you.
Spider-Woman: Anyway, I’m here. Let’s see another one.
Spider-Woman: Oh, come on!! That looks way more like that whore Black Cat than it does me.
Spider-Man: Black Cat is not a whore.
Spider-Woman: I forgot. Whores charge.
Spider-Man: That’s not nice at all. I look at this costume and I think, “Now there’s a girl I could marry.”
NRAMA: . . . .
Spider-Man: What?! Why is it whenever I mention marriage, everyone just looks at the ground?!?!?!
NRAMA: Calm down, Pete.
Spider-Man: How do you know I’m Pete?!?!
NRAMA: Uh, there was a news conference.
Spider-Man: WHAT?! WHEN?!
NRAMA: You were there, dude.
Spider-Man: Jess, what’s he talking about?
Spider-Woman: I wasn’t there. I was a Skrull.
Spider-Man: You mean you’d been replaced by a Skrull.
Spider-Woman: That’s what I said. Gotta go.
Spider-Man: Seriously, though, press conference? Tell me what happened!
NRAMA: In the middle of the War Between the Heroes, you took off your mask and told the world that you were Peter Parker.
Spider-Man: Fine, then, smart guy. Let’s say that happened. What’s with the marriage bit?
NRAMA: Um . . . this is going to take a few minutes. And some beers.
(The next few minutes of tape are indecipherable.)
Spider-Man: You have got to be out of your mind!!!!!!!
NRAMA: I am completely serious.
Spider-Man: Right. Next you’ll be telling me that me and MJ had a kid.
NRAMA: Hey, look at the time!
Spider-Man: Hey! Get back here! WACKER!!!! I’M COMING FOR YOU!!!!! I’m . . . . ah, who am I kidding? I can’t do gritty. I’ll go call Stan. If my phone hasn’t been turned off again. F@#$ing writers.