If you’ve been reading Blog@ for the past couple of days, you’ve seen that we’ve spoken to both Captain America and Hulk about their perceptions of Halloween costumes based on their images. Today, we had to invest a little more time. Newsarama sent me to an alternate Earth that was about to celebrate Halloween in 1985. There we talked to a loose confederation of mystery men and women that the media calls “Watchmen”. Present were Dr. Manhattan, Nite Owl II, Silk Spectre II, and Rorschach. This is what they had to say.
NRAMA: Thanks for agreeing to sit down with us.
Nite Owl II: Not a problem. Can I make a brief statement before we begin?
Nite Owl II: Hang on, I wrote it down. Okay. “The song “Hallelujah” by Leonard Cohen first appeared on his album “Various Positions” in 1984. It contains many meanings, including sexual overtones. Cohen plays a different version of the song in concert that is considered more explicit. Its original purpose was to convey different meanings, not to be played only when characters die or leave town on TV shows.”
NRAMA: Feel better?
Nite Owl II: I have more . . .
Silk Spectre II: I think he gets it, Dan.
NRAMA: All right then, let’s get to the first costume.
Silk Spectre II: Aw, Mom . . .
Nite Owl II: I had a poster of that on my wall as a kid.
Silk Spectre II: Really?
Rorschach: Posters are a tool of the liberal media elite to get us to focus on consumer icons rather than adhering to the values of the Founding Fathers.
Dr. Manhattan: She resembles a highly sexualized banana. The poster Dan spoke of sold very well. He fantasized about it frequently from the age of 8 until–
Nite Owl II: Cut that out!
Silk Spectre II: Until when?
Dr. Manhattan: Sorry. He has yet to stop.
Silk Spectre II: Dan! That’s really disturbing!
Nite Owl II: Sorry . . .
Silk Spectre II: That’s okay. I kind of like it.
Nite Owl II: Well, that’s not tasteless at all.
Silk Spectre II: Who buys that? Who the hell says, “I’m going to be a rapist for Halloween”?
Rorscach: Roman Polanski?
(The others glare)
Rorscach: Called humorless when I don’t joke, get angry stares when I do.
NRAMA: Dr. Manhattan?
Dr. Manhattan: A living Halloween costume and a dead Halloween costume have the same number of particles. There is no intrinsic difference.
Dr. Manhattan: I have no costume. I am only a mask.
Nite Owl II: That’s because nobody wants to market your blue schlong.
Silk Spectre II: Jon used to wear a suit. Maybe they could be Jon in the suit.
NRAMA: What are you reading there, Nite Owl?
Nite Owl II: Uh, just flipping through my big book of ’60s and ’70s counter-culture lyrics. I wanted to find some pithy reference to sum up Jon.
NRAMA: Any luck?
Nite Owl II: How about “Sitting on a park bench/eyeing little girls with bad intent”?
Silk Spectre II: That’s not nice.
Nite Owl II: How old were you?
Dr. Manhattan: An underage super-heroine and a legal super-heroine have the same number of particles. There is no intrinsic difference.
Rorscach: Again, Roman Polanski.
NRAMA: Now, Ozymandias couldn’t be here today, but we can still discuss the costume.
Silk Spectre II: Why ISN’T Adrian here?
Nite Owl II: I don’t know. I called him, and he said something about skiing. Then he sang a couple of lines of “New York, New York”, laughed, and hung up.
Rorscach: I hate his costume. It’s silly and impractical. He looks like a circus performer instead of a hero.
Dr. Manhattan: You wear a dress on your face.
Rorscach: It means something, you walking nuclear meltdown!
Dr. Manhattan: A troubled vigilante and a douchebag have the same number of particles.
NRAMA: Okay, all, only a couple more . . .
Dr. Manhattan: Dress. on. your. face.
Rorschach: I strike fear into the underworld.
Silk Spectre II: They’re afraid of you because you KILL them. They’re not afraid of your outfit. By the way, does it come with lifts?
Rorschach: Cheap shot.
Nite Owl II: Man. That’s really disappointing.
Silk Spectre II: I’m so sorry, Dan. I know you love Halloween.
Nite Owl II: It’s just brown pants! I look like a maintenance guy with a cowl. I–I–dammit.
Dr. Manhattan: Nite Owl’s dysfunction has returned.
Nite Owl II: Stop that!
Silk Spectre II: Dan, it’ll be okay. We’ll rescue some cats from trees and you’ll be ready to go.
Rorschach: Don’t forget your Leonard Cohen records.
Silk Spectre II: You leave him alone! He’s delicate.
Nite Owl II: Gee, that’s not emasculating.
Rorschach: Hrm. You look like a hooker.
Silk Spectre II: Hey!
Rorschach: Mother was a hooker. World’s oldest profession. No judgment.
Nite Owl II: I think it’s pretty neat.
Dr. Manhattan: Nite Owl’s functions have returned.
Nite Owl II: That’s it. Sorry, guys. I’m done.
Rorschach: Right. Mask killer to catch.
Silk Spectre II: Again with this.
Dr. Manhattan: I have become intrigued by these Halloween costumes. Perhaps I’ll create some.
NRAMA: Send me some pictures if you do.
Dr. Manhattan: It is November 3rd. I am wiping chunks of Roschach off my feet and sending you pictures of a Captain Metropolis outfit.
Roschach: What did you say?
Dr. Manhattan: Nothing. Halloween is fun.