By your Love Counselors, Christian Beranek and Tony DiGerolamo
Christian Beranek and Tony DiGerolamo have dated women so you don’t have to. Just like the avatar you use in your World of Warcraft online adventures, let CB and Tony D take the hits for you in the ever dangerous world of mingling with the opposite sex. And don’t worry, if you can’t tell the difference these days, CB sometimes can’t either.
Dear Web of Love:
My boyfriend of six months is dumping me because I made out with my ex-boyfriend. I want to win my boyfriend back, but he’s hurt and I don’t blame him. But this was a one time thing. I was feeling vulnerable and my ex took advantage. I told my boyfriend right after it happened. Shouldn’t he take me back because of my honesty? Isn’t that what Superman would do?
Lois with no Clark
(Editor’s Note: Some slightly NSFW hijinks after the cut!)
TONY D: First of all, “Lois”, don’t sully the good name of Superman with your lies! You can’t use the cape to hide your own cheating. You betrayed a trust. And although your boyfriend may forgive, he, like the Watchers, will never forget.
CB: Tony, I think our friend “Lois” here is a conniving little minx like the Black Cat! Remember when she dated Flash Thompson to get back at Spider-Man for breaking up with her?
TONY D: Yeah, why’d he dump her anyway? Who wouldn’t hit that?
CB: Blonde bimbo not my thing. I’m into more of the Tigra type. Exotic.
TONY D: But they both have claws.
CB: What woman doesn’t?
TONY D: Anyhow, “Lois” it’s unlikely you’re going to be able to come back from that. Plus we all know Superman should be dating Wonder Woman anyway.
CB: Lois isn’t good enough for him! And how is she supposed to carry his super baby?! She doesn’t have a super womb!
TONY D: Would it even get that far? Did you ever read “The Pro”? The “Superman-going-down-on” scene in that story did not go well.
CB: Let’s move on. And Lois, so should you.
Dear Web of Love:
I met this great girl. She had everything. Looks, personality – she even had an awesome job. But she had been on and off with her ex-boyfriend over 20 times over the last five years. Worse, he treated her terribly. He disrespected her, cheated on her, humiliated her – You name it. I treated her like a princess, but after three months of dating, she went back to her old boyfriend again! Why do women go back to men who treat them so badly? Can’t a nice guy win?
An Iron Man low on power
TONY D: Shellhead, you have nothing to be ashamed of—
CB: Yes he does! He doesn’t obviously doesn’t understand women!
TONY D: What are you talking about? He was being nice! Like Peter Parker! Look at all the chicks that guy gets.
CB: Oh, yeah, sure! Gwen Stacy, dead. Black Cat turned against him. Betty Leeds ended up with the Hobgoblin. Hello! Women don’t want “nice”! They want someone in charge even if they take charge for their own selfish reasons.
TONY D: I don’t think he should be selfish, but I agree that confidence is the key. Part of that self-confidence means recognizing when someone is no good for you. Clearly, he can do better. The Flash always had lots of chicks too. He had long relationships.
CB: But he was kind of a selfish a-hole, right?
TONY D: Hmmm, point taken.
Christian Beranek co-founded and runs Disney’s Kingdom Comics with Ahmet Zappa. CB has a first look film/tv deal with Disney/ABC via his Lead Pipe Entertainment banner. He has several projects in development around town including Dracula vs. King Arthur, based on the graphic novel he co-created. He is currently working on his first novel and an album. CB is never late for dinner and invites you to add him on twitter: http://www.twitter.com/beranek
Tony DiGerolamo is a writer for the Simpsons and the Bart Simpson comic books. He is the creator of The Travelers and webcomic Super Frat, posted at www.superfrat.com. Don’t miss his monthly comics column in KODT magazine called Lookin’ at Comics and his other deranged projects at www.thefixsite.com. Twitter him at http://twitter.com/TonyDiGerolamo. Tony D is never late for twitter and invites you to dinner.