From: ‘Alexander Stevens (astevens@caa.com)
To: ‘Joker’ (misterj@yahoo.com)
Subject: To the future Clown Prince of Hollywood

Mister Joker,

Thank you once again for agreeing to let Creative Artists Agency help steer you through the ins and outs of Hollywood and as we embark on the grand adventure that will be Warner Bros.’ Blockbuster film, The Dark Knight. Everyone here at CAA is thrilled and excited to have you on board and we promise to work our best to serving your needs.

Though we understand that Warner’s’ dedication is to creating a franchise based on Batman, a man who understandably has stolen your spotlight, we at CAA feel the tremendous potential for building the Joker into a Hollywood brand, no less infamous than classic movie villains like Darth Vader, Hannibal Lecter and the Terminator.

We pledge to do everything in our power to represent your interests and needs throughout this project, and hopefully, beyond. Please feel free to contact me should you need anything.

Yours,

Alexander Stevens
Creative Artists Agency

P.S. – If concerned at all about slipping into bed with a large agency, having heard some of the horror stories, no fear; from what I understand a Hollywood agent is only two steps below the folks you surround yourself at Arkham – you’re already ahead of the game.

From: ‘Alexander Stevens (astevens@caa.com)
To: ‘Joker’ (misterj@yahoo.com)
Subject: On contracts

J,

Happy to receive your signed CAA agreement – though the boys in accounts were a bit shaken with the dead, smiling fish wrapped inside, I applaud your spirit of independence — I too have been known to “send a message” in my time in the trenches. Here’s hoping we won’t have to resort to such means with all of our struggles here on in!

Along with the agreement, I noted your marked and noted copy of the Warner contract, and wanted to go over a few points with you if amenable:

1) While Warner’s will agree to a private trailer and an assistant, I’m unsure they’ll be able to find room in an already inflated budget to hire on what you jokingly refer to as “henchmen and thugs” and I will take to mean “personal entourage.” Though there have been exceptions made for A-list stars in the past as pertains to stylists, drivers, cooks, handlers and the like, we’re talking about star caliber in the Cruise/Clooney/Hanks stratosphere to which you do not yet aspire (though, in the future, the sky’s the limit!). I know what you’re thinking – Clooney gets an entourage and endangers a franchise, right? Welcome to Hollywood, J-Bone. The rich get richer and the fans be damned. In any event, I am amending the agreement to include Ms. Quinzel as your personal assistant and will request your trailer be fitted with, as asked, several decks of playing cards, a freezer stocked with fresh perch and (I’ll admit to curiosity about this one, but I rarely question the quirkiness of CAA talent) a crowbar.

2) As regards payment, we’ve discussed that your compensation for appearing in The Dark Knight along with any affiliated licensing and media fees will be sent to CAA and then, after taking our agency percentage, deposited into an account of your choosing — or should you wish, forwarded to your accountant or corporation to handle as per your direction. The CAA accounts department, unfortunately, is unable to provide the payment in cash and certainly not, as you’ve eloquently stated, “in small, unmarked bills stuffed into a duffel bag and stashed in an alley.” Additionally, CAA and its accountants are not in the habit of performing illegal activities, no matter how important the client, and therefore cannot accommodate your request to launder the money through a bank in South America. Should you, after receiving your payment, wish to do so — well, we don’t pry and know an excellent publicist who can keep things discreet.

3) Finally, in regards to the schedule. As I’m sure you’re aware, production has already begun on The Dark Knight and principal shooting is to begin shortly. Due to the possible writers’ strike, the director is urging the studio to stick to an aggressive shooting schedule. That said, while CAA understands prior commitment we do not advise you, at this stage in your career, to skip several days of production for a Metropolis vacation in order to, and I quote, “see if the big Boy Scout bleeds red, white and blue.” While we at CAA do not quite understand the reference, we urge you to arrive on set at the time listed at the top of your call sheet, ready for work.

While these may seem like great hurdles, I am sure that with the spirit of co-operation we can reach a mutually beneficial agreement for all and move ahead to create what will be a fantastic addition to a dynamic franchise.

Hope all is well,

Alex

P.S. Sorry to hear my little addendum in the previous email didn’t bring a smile to your face. My mentor always told me to sell ‘em with a joke — and I figured you would be receptive. In the future I will remember that I am the agent; you are the joker. In return, I hope you will remember that office correspondence should be limited to just that, and not exploding fish.

From: ‘Alexander Stevens (astevens@caa.com)
To: ‘Joker’ (misterj@yahoo.com)
Subject: Going to Sundance with a Smile

J-brah,

Taking a moment here in Sundance to strap myself to the mini Mac and get a little work done. It isn’t all skiing and parties here in Aspen, right? I know the wise-ass in you will appreciate the hidden sarcasm.

Wanted to fire off a quick message because I ran into Chris Nolan at today’s screening of Vicky Cristina Barcelona (the new Woody; I know you’re not a fan, after our sadly fatal screening of Scoop last summer, but Penelope Cruz makes me want to be a better man) and to be honest, J, he was a broken man.

As your agent, I completely get behind the whole life-is-art and all the world’s a stage… but you have to remember, as per the terms of your contract, that YOU are the talent and HE is the director. While Nolan is certainly approachable and open to questions and suggestions by his leads in how to make their performance (and thereby the film) stronger, you must remember that it is his film you have agreed to make and final direction and dialogue must be run past him before committing it to film.

As regards your rash decision to dress several grips in Robin costumes and force them to perform a kick line at gunpoint before knocking two unconscious with a nearby klieg light… well, it wasn’t that Nolan was taken by the sheer brutality of the impromptu scene but that you chose to perform it during a crucial love scene between Bale and Gyllenhall. Additionally, the improvised stripping of Gary Oldman and subsequent photographing and mental torture, while a shocking and thought-provoking moment of inspiration, should have been brought to the director for placement within the narrative and not undergone during a taped set visit by Access Hollywood.

This isn’t meant as a scolding or talking to by any means, but should be taken as notes from your director – a director who loves you, who wants you to bring that raw, animal magnetism you exude to the piece and let those around you feed from it. Nicholson did it. Dafoe in Spider-Man. But you, J, you have the potential to leave those movies swimming in your wake. Dark Knight has the potential to take Summer 08 and Nolan and crew have it and your best interests at heart, so I hope you take these notes as such and not dwell on them over muchly.

I’m half an hour late for the Weinstein party so I’m going to sign off now, but I look forward to continued praise from Nolan, et al. Hope it isn’t too cold Arkham way and that you’ve figured out a way to drown out the screams. Not literally, of course.

Best to Harvey. And Harvey,

Alex

P.S. My wife, though pleasantly surprised to receive an anniversary present from you, has asked if you might refrain from sending packages directly to the house and continue using the CAA mailroom. Not that we’re unappreciative or anything, but we like to set boundaries between our business and personal lives, mainly for the kids, who we also try to shield from things they may be unfamiliar with. My wife (and I stress, my wife!) believes that poison hand buzzers, while kitschy, may send a confusing message to our three and eight year olds. We do appreciate the thought, though!

From: ‘Alexander Stevens (astevens@caa.com)
To: ‘Joker’ (misterj@yahoo.com)
Subject: Why So Serious?

Joker,

Everyone here at CAA was sad to hear about your latest run-in with the Gotham authorities. We hope this hasn’t set you back too much, personally, and wish you nothing but continued recovery from the broken jaw, ribs and fractured pelvis. You should be receiving a bouquet this afternoon from Stefano’s, purchased by all of your supporters here at the agency. Please take care that they haven’t been tampered with by Ms. Isley on the way down, and place them in a corner of your room, knowing that CAA is in your corner as well.

To business. As discussed on the phone, this no doubt sets post-production back and both Nolan and the studio have assured me they will be able to work around you. While there have been repeated warnings from the Gotham Police Department and outright threats from the Justice League, everyone at Warner’s have decided that the show must go on. Naturally, they do have a few concerns and notes they’d like me to convey as we speed towards wrap.

First of all, the studio is troubled with much of the dark, foreboding imagery in the film. As I’m sure you know, The Dark Knight, while admittedly a more adult movie, depends a great deal on licensing and marketing to children. Without action figures, coloring books and Slurpee cups, where would Hollywood be? To that end, the studio is asking you to reconsider some of your… acting choices throughout the film. For instance, Jack Nicholson, though evil, played the role as a devil-may-care, laughing nihilist who plagued the city via chemicals dressed in bright purple and green. He was dangerous, sure, but you couldn’t help but like him and to that end, Burton gave him more screen time than his duller, grayer antagonist. While embracing Nicholson in your performance, you’ve decided to leave out the fun, leave out that SOMETHING that made filmgoers want to see Mad Jack caper and prance across the screen. Jack was fun. Jack was madcap. You, however… you’re so damn SERIOUS all the time and maybe you need to inject a bit of that back into your performance?

One thing the studio suggested to lighten the atmosphere was, happily, inspired by one of your on-set improvisations: the addition of Robin, the Boy Wonder. Though the advance screenings are already doing well with all key demographics, Warner’s feels that bolstering females 18-34 can’t hurt and to do so, maybe the addition of one of today’s heartthrobs — Justin Timberlake and Penn Badgely are both being discussed, as is Jake Gyllenhall should they fall through —will remove the dark, heavy vibe currently permeating through the film. In addition, there have been talks to add one, maybe two more villains to your side to increase licensing options. CAA client Crazy Quilt has already been signed to a two-picture deal and Grant Wilfley Casting is holding open calls for the Mad Hatter, the actual Hatter unwilling to leave Broadway.

Your thoughts, naturally, would be most helpful in moving together to a final product that everyone will be happy to complete. I know you’ve been most vocal about Robin in the past, and should any of the above raise concerns, CAA will be happy to step in and fight for your opinions and unique vision.

Again, my sympathies on your current incarceration – but know that while you sit around with hours to kill, I and everyone working on The Dark Knight will be out here, making sure this movie murders on opening weekend.

Yours,

Alex

P.S. Received your thoughtful package today and was pleased to distribute the exquisite hand-made dolls to cast and crew of The Dark Knight. The studio is thrilled to be able to use them for decor at the upcoming red carpet premiere and will make sure to present them to the press and celebrities upon their arrival. Was a bit selfish, though… kept one for my daughter. Hope you don’t mind.

From: ‘Michael Ztivo (mztivo@caa.com)
To: ‘The Batman’ (batman@jla.org)
Subject: The Alexander Stevens Foundation

Batman,

I’d like to start by thanking you once again for coming to the rescue at the red carpet premiere of the Warner Bros. film, The Dark Knight. If you’d arrived a moment later, there would no doubt be more bodies to mourn and our film wouldn’t have simply been a disaster – it would have bombed.

With the Joker safely behind bars, it is now my unfortunate duty to consider the memory of his late agent, Alexander Stevens, and how best to remember his life and legacy. Creative Artists Agency is approaching several Hollywood institutions and philanthropists with an eye towards the creation of the Alexander Stevens Foundation, an organization devoted to the art and practice of creative representation, primarily in helping those who choose to educate themselves within our field but lack the funds to do so. We hope that you and the metahuman community support our efforts and would appreciate any kind words of referral you may give towards Gotham’s better-known philanthropists, particularly the Wayne Foundation.

Thank you again for saving our lives, and please don’t forget to patronize your local theatre on July 18th for the release of CAA clients’ new feature, The Dark Knight.

Sincerely,

Michael Ztivo
Creative Artists Agency

P.S. Can we interest you in a cameo for the next sequel, The Dynamic Duo?
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Xeric winning cartoonist Neil Kleid authored Ninety Candles, a novella about life, legacy and comics and Brownsville, a book about Jewish mobsters for NBM Publishing. His webcomic, Action, Ohio, was a competitor at DC Comics’ online competition, Zudacomics.com and he’s written X-Men for Marvel, The Intimidators for Shadowline, Ursa Minors! for Slave Labor Graphics and Tales from the Crypt for Papercutz. He co-founded the Chemistry Set webcomic collective where he wrote Todt Hill. He lives in New York with his wife and is working on four graphic novels, two mini-series, two webcomics, a trade paperback and no sleep. Pray for him at www.rantcomics.com

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