Every Monday, Diamond provides the comic book industry with a list of products shipping for the current week, as well as those products expected to ship the following week! It’s everything you love, everything you hate, and everything you have to read again. A look forward to the one list that’ll rock your week… this is Best Shipping List Ever.
Up This Week – The following products are expected to ship to comic book specialty stores on Wednesday, June 4th. This list is tentative and subject to change (Please check with your retailer for availability) and many items have been moved around, eliminated and commented upon for purposes of parody and hilarity. The complete list can be found here.
Here’s what comic book publishers are offering YOU this week:
DARK HORSE COMICS
OCT070079 CLASSIC COMIC BOOK CHARACTERS #11 GHOST $49.95
Featuring the continuing adventures of Sam Wheat, Oda Mae Browne and that creepy subway guy, this classic adaptation of the 1990 tearjerker features pre-Ashton Demi Moore, pre-cancer Patrick Swayze without the awful Righteous Brothers melody…. Wait, what? It’s not…?
…uh, carry on.
JAN080052 CONAN BORN ON THE BATTLEFIELD HC $24.95
I’m holding out for the prequel, CONAN: CONCEIVED IN THE BACK OF MY SAAB.
FEB080080 INDIANA JONES OMNIBUS TP VOL 02 $24.95
FEB080081 PREDATOR OMNIBUS TP VOL 03 $24.95
You know, if these two books had sex with each other, you’d basically have the plot for INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL.
FEB080143 STAR WARS OMNIBUS DROIDS TP VOL 01 $24.95
…of course, if you added this too, somewhere in California, George Lucas could die happy.
NOV070092 SERENITY LUNCH BOX $14.99
What kind of demented-ass lunch periods is some kid having that he needs a lunch box to calm him down? Even Charlie Brown, sitting alone in the playground, was able to eat his PB&J and dream about that hot little red-haired girl.
APR080199 ALL NEW ATOM #24 $2.99
Is it too early to start making Sue Dibny jokes yet? Like this gem:
A patient’s family gathered to hear what the brain specialist had to say. “Things don’t look good. The only chance is a brain transplant, but brains are expensive.”
“How much does a brain cost?” asked the patient’s relatives.
“For a male brain, $500. For a female brain, $200.”
The patient’s daughter asked, “Why the difference in price between male and female brains?”
“A standard pricing practice,” said the doctor. “Women’s brains have to be marked down because they’re used AND JEAN LORING WALKED THROUGH THEM WHEN SHE BECAME THE ATOM.”
NOV070304 BATMAN BLACK AND WHITE STATUE BOB KANE $69.99
Wouldn’t it be awesome if this was a statue of Bob Kane? I’d put it right next to my statues of other deceased comics luminaries — Jack Kirby, Wally Wood, the bronze cast of Rob Liefield’s window of opportunity and the life-sized, animatronic William Gaines.
NOV070306 BATMAN THE KILLING JOKE COLLECTORS SET $34.99
Collects the original graphic novel, original sketches by Brian Bolland, copies of Alan Moore’s death threats to DC Comics and naked pictures of Jim Gordon.
APR080187 DETECTIVE COMICS #845 $2.99
Did you know that the title ‘Detective Comics’ was the impetus for naming the company ‘DC’? Thank god their flagship wasn’t ‘All Star Superman.’
FEB080315 KEY TO THE KINGDOM VOL 04 $9.99
The continuing saga of Grant Morrison’s working relationship with DC Comics.
APR080249 LOONEY TUNES #163 $2.25
The continuing saga of John Byrne’s relationship with his fans.
APR080179 RANN THANAGAR HOLY WAR #2 $3.50
There need to be more jokes that begin with “A priest, a rabbi and Hawkman walk into a bar…” Extra TAKE THAT points to anyone who finishes that joke! “Onimarr Synn? Damn near KILLED her!” Hm. No…
APR080188 ROBIN SPOILER SPECIAL #1 $3.99
ALL Robin spoilers ALL the time! Don’t keep reading if you don’t want your Robin comics ruined! Tim Drake is Robin! Jason Todd was the Red Hood! After Grant Morrison kills Batman, Dick Grayson assumes the mantle! We’re revealing news you don’t want to hear and THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT
APR080184 WAR THAT TIME FORGOT #2 (OF 12) $2.99
Alternatively titled, “The Micah Wright Story.” Oh wait — that’s THE WAR SERVICE THAT TIME FORGOT.
NOV072035 BRIT #6 $2.99
Alan Moore’s a hard-bitten, worn-out magical detective. Warren Ellis is a wise-ass, no-nonsense rookie Satanist cop. Together they patrol the mean streets of London with a talking, cigar-chomping python keeping their eyes on the borders of the supernatural WHILE FIGHTING CRIME. If you haven’t picked up issues of this bloody riveting series, you’re a wanker. Yes, the dirty kind.
MAR082077 MONSTER ZOO GN $14.99
Sounds like one of my kid nephew’s play dates.
APR082231 PILOT SEASON 2007 TP $14.99
No, WABBIT Season! No, PILOT Season! WABBIT Season! PILOT Season!
APR082165 TALES FROM THE STARLIGHT DRIVE IN GN $19.99
The pre-prequel to CONAN: CONCEIVED IN THE BACK OF MY SAAB.
“Pre-prequel”? Did I just make that term up? Will George Lucas be using it next year?
APR082250 AMAZING SPIDER-MAN #561 $2.99
APR082255 AMERICAN DREAM #3 (OF 5) $2.99
In this issue, Peter Parker steps out of his shower, Bobby Ewing style, and declares the last year of SPIDER-MAN stories to be nothing more than Mary Jane’s terrible nightmare.
APR082259 AVENGERS INVADERS #2 (OF 12) $2.99
I can’t wait until next year’s AVENGERS INVADERS DEFENDERS REDEEMERS.
APR082236 DARK TOWER LONG ROAD HOME #4 (OF 5) $3.99
Buy it because Stephen King is watching you right now. From inside your head.
APR082375 ESSENTIAL CAPTAIN MARVEL TP VOL 01 $16.99
APR082376 ESSENTIAL FANTASTIC FOUR TP VOL 01 NEW ED $16.99
Essentially, that’s thirty-four bucks I’ll be saving.
APR082373 HULK VS THE MARVEL UNIVERSE TP $24.99
Since when did Ed Norton start writing autobiographic comics? (Man, that joke is gonna fall flat. I can tell already. Okay, how’s this, instead?)
ED NORTON’S LAWYERS SMASH!
APR082304 MARVEL SPOTLIGHT SECRET INVASION $2.99
Doesn’t shining a spotlight on a secret invasion kind of defeat the purpose?
APR082282 MARVEL TWO-IN-ONE #12 $4.99
I had a naughty Power Man-Iron Fist-Jessica Jones joke here but this is a family website and I still don’t know how much give I have here.
FEB082305 PENANCE RELENTLESS TP $13.99
“Relentless” pretty much sums up the passionate devotion of Speedball fans out there. All two of them.
APR082292 SECRET INVASION #3 SI $3.99
Here’s something fun to do — when in the store this week, walk up to each and every shopper, stare deeply into their eyes and ask them if they’re a Skrull. If they deny, respond with “I’d expect a dirty, stinking Skrull to say something like that” and then tackle them to the ground yelling “WHO DO YOU TRUST?” at the top of your lungs. Load of fun until the cops arrive. Man, the people at Victoria’s Secret have no sense of humor.
MAR088240 THOR SEARCH FOR ODIN (PP #816) $3.99
“Thor… your name is Thor. I have been and always shall be your friend. Live long and ODDDDIIINNNNNNNNNN.’
Come on, Trekkers. Be with me on this.
APR082374 X-FACTOR VISIONARIES PETER DAVID TP VOL 04 $15.99
Does anyone out there remember a short-lived animated series called VISIONARIES? Knights of the magical light? Dudes in armor with the power to transform into spectral animals? I used to love that show. It’s apropos of nothing here, really, but I was reminded of it when I saw ‘Visionaries’ in the title here. Of course, I wonder what spectral animal Peter David would transform into? An otter, maybe? A sea lion? A marmet? Okay, stop. You’re awesome, PAD. OhOH! Paddington BEAR! Yes!
APR082322 YOUNG X-MEN #3 DWS $2.99
I understand the original title, ‘BARELY LEGAL X-MEN’, didn’t really go over so well with Marvel’s attorneys.
MAR083750 DOCTOR WHO #1 GCC VAR ED $9.99
So there’s a rumor that Neil Gaiman will be writing the DOCTOR WHO TV series soon. I say good for the BBC but why stop there? Can you imagine? Grant Morrison on EASTENDERS? Alan Moore running THE OFFICE? Hell, does no one else but me want to see Garth Ennis’ ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS?
MAR083457 FATHOM TP VOL 02 INTO THE DEPTHS (RES) $29.99
INTO THE DEPTHS… of Fathom’s cleavage.
APR083668 GRAPHIC LIBRARY GN GUTENBERG & PRINTING PRESS $7.95
This would crank up to new levels of awesome if it had been about Steve Guttenberg.
APR083846 GROTESQUE #1 (O/A) $7.95
See the above comment.
MAR084065 MONKEY HIGH GN VOL 02 $8.99
Ever been on a monkey high? I remember this one time, back in writers’ collage, right after Janie Lucadello got back from Amsterdam… yeah… yeah… you know, actually, I DON’T remember much of anything about that night.
MAR084053 MUHYO ROJIS BUREAU SUPER INVEST TP VOL 05 $7.99
What the hell is this — Japanese accounting comics?
DEC073807 REVOLUTION ON THE PLANET O/T APES PACK $14.95
You Maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell! (In honor of the late Charlton Heston, 1924-2008. We miss you, Chaz, you crazy gun-toting bastard)
MAR083784 TRANSFORMERS MOVIE SEQUEL REIGN OF STARSCREAM #2 $3.99
Michael Bay demands this to be AWESOME.
FEB084278 UGLY GUIDE TO THE UGLYVERSE SC $5.99
This sounds like some pissed off eight-year-old making fun of Douglas Adams’ classic novel, THE HITCHHIKER’S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY.
APR083956 WORMWOOD CALAMARI RISING TP $19.99
And this sounds like what happened after eating sushi on my last Italian cruise.
FEB084463 BATMAN FOILED DUCT TAPE SYMBOL GREY T/S LG $21.99
Y’know, until I saw that this was a tee-shirt I was like, ‘Duct Tape? Has DC Direct run out of freaking ideas?!”
FEB084469 BATMAN I THINK ITS BATMAN BLK T/S LG $21.99
See above. “We’re really not sure what we’re putting on this shirt. It might be Batman. It could be Aquaman. Who the hell knows? YOU BUY!”
APR084932 BLUE LINE COMIC SKETCHBOOKS TRADITIONAL SIZED (O/A)
APR084933 BLUE LINE COMIC SKETCHBOOKS TRAVELER SIZED (O/A)
APR084931 BLUE LINE PRO ARTIST SKETCH CARDS (O/A)
APR084930 BLUE LINE PRO FULL TRIM COMIC BK ART BOARDS (O/A)
Step right up! Step right up! Begin a highly successful career in comics and end up writing smarmy bi-monthly columns for comic book websites for little to no pay! Step right up!
APR084330 COMIC BOOKS SC HOW THE INDUSTRY WORKS $32.95
“Chapter Three: Bend Over, Please.”
APR084331 COMPLETE HISTORY OF AMERICAN COMIC BOOKS SC $39.95
Chapter One; Herriman. Chapter Two: Eisner. Chapter Three: Kirby. Chapter Four: Witchblade. Chapter Five: The End.
MAR084796 INDIANA JONES STANDUP $28.99
Cardboard walker not included.
APR085206 MINDSCAPE OF ALAN MOORE WS DVD (O/A) PI
Dollars to donuts that someone out there in Michigan is going to get high and watch this while listening to Pink Floyd’s ‘The Wall.’
APR084569 WONDER WOMAN DISTRESSED LOGO T/S LG $17.95
To be followed up with the Wonder Woman “Mildly Disturbed”, “Deeply Hurt” and “Full On, Hardcore Pre-Menstrual” tee-shirts.
That last one available in red, by the way. And probably the one that’s gonna get me in trouble.
And that’s what you can expect to find this week at the comic book store.
BEST. SHIPPING LIST. EVER!
Xeric winning cartoonist Neil Kleid authored Ninety Candles, a novella about life, legacy and comics and Brownsville, a book about Jewish mobsters for NBM Publishing. His webcomic, Action, Ohio, was a competitor at DC Comics’ online competition, Zudacomics.com and he’s written X-Men for Marvel, The Intimidators for Shadowline, Ursa Minors! for Slave Labor Graphics and Tales from the Crypt for Papercutz. He co-founded the Chemistry Set webcomic collective where he wrote Todt Hill. He lives in New York with his wife and is working on four graphic novels, two mini-series, two webcomics, a trade paperback and no sleep. Pray for him at www.rantcomics.com
All characters are ™ & (c) their respective owners. All Rights Reserved.
Take That! is a satire published by Newsarama, and is not intended maliciously. Newsarama has invented all names and situations in its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental, or used as a fictional depiction or personality parody (permitted under Hustler Magazine v. Fallwell, 485 US 46, 108 S.Ct 876, 99 L.Ed.2d 41 (1988)). Newsarama makes no representation as to the truth or accuracy of the preceding information.