DC_B0y LIVES!
Speaker of Truths! Righter of Wrongs!

Date: 1997-11-02 19:20
First Day

Ok, so I’ve been doing this job for a while now, but have to say, I finally feel like I’m REALLY here. You know know how you grow up loving the Rolling Stones, and wondering how in the hell they get Mick Jagger into the leather pants and Keith Richards off the ventilator long enough to ROCK, but then you find out it’s just a group of leathery Brits who do the same thing thousands of times over and over again? You dream of a place for so long but then you get there and it’s nothing like what you want it to be? That’s not this. This is way opposite of that. People here in the Watchtower DO what I hoped they did, and now I’M actually part of it! I feel like I have a voice. It’s crazy weird and I can’t believe it’s real…

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Date: 1997-11-07 11:32
KR

Green Lantern rocks so much. I can’t wait to see what you guys think of him!! Yeah, there’s some stuff you may not really get or agree with, like that he’s going from zero to hero with no experience, but he’s had some pretty awesome moments. And, hell, he’s one of those dudes who respects the history and did his homework (unlike some people, Guy Gardner, who never invites me to his Warriors poker game!)

Ugh. It keeps raining real rain and no giant starfish. This is the freaking Justice League – It should rain GIANT STARFISH!!!!

The annual JLA/JSA retreat/extradimensional fight is coming up. I don’t get to go, but people who do always tell us what went down, esp if it sucked. Good times.

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Date: 1999-12-23 07:10
Headed home for Christmas

Out the teleportation tube to get home in a couple of minutes.

I wish I had next week off too, but no, I’ll be here monitoring s__t while everyone else is getting their New Years on. Yay for me. I mean, come on — I haven’t been home in a year, having been in another dimension, so it would have been nice to see the folks and spend time with family and friends, even if only for 72 hours – which, god knows, I could make last.

Sigh. I bet HE never had to go through this.

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Date: 853rd century-????? 05:GLX7?
HOURMAN!!

I know how to fix the Hourman Virus!! Hello!!

This is the part of the job that drives me bonkers!! Its right there, five dimensions away, A broken Hourman! I can fix him! But I can smell it in the air…I should keep me yap shut and let the time travel nonsense play out before it gives me a headache.

Metron has plans! J’onn has plans! Everybody has plans!! well, I’m right here and I know my plan is better because I care! I care a lot. that’s why I am working here for next to nothing, because I CARE A LOT!!

GOD forbid anyone but Batman or Kyle gets to touch the toybox! Honestly, Batman seems like an OK guy. He’s not an asshole like the guy he used to be back when I was working with… well … but he shouldn’t be out here where you need big time superpowers and not a dinky little boomerang. He just shouldn’t. It’s a bad idea. I know from boomerangs.

AND I CAN FIX THE HOURMAN VIRUS!!

IN A SECOND!! A PICOSECOND!!!

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Date: 2002-02-22 23:02
THE REASON I DON’T BLOG ABOUT THE ROGUES, BECAUSE ROGUES…

…are by nature quite dishonest. at least the ones I’ve met.

And I’m not talking about Rogues who pour their hearts out and turn their lives around after moments of honest introspection. No. You are awesome people who are keeping faith alive in a time where it is not being respected for what it is. And where you don’t need exploding rubber chickens to be the best you that you can be.

I was so angry at one of my co-workers, an ex-rogue, that I came very close to posting some sensitive secrets about his bedroom likes and dislikes because I know if any of you saw it the entire internet would fold up onto itself (No, not explode with the power of a thousand dying suns, that joke was old before Clark finished saying it the first time).

But I didn’t. Not this time. But I could have. And then where would little Mister Blows-a-Flute be? Hm?

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Date: 2002-05-21 10:05
Starro

So, yeah, it finally rained sentient starfish yesterday but the freaking street cleaners already piled it up on the side salted it so it’s all melted. Rotten, stinking starfish everywhere. Thanks Bloomberg. Good job. Did see a skinny dude slip and bite it outside of Midtown comics, though. LMAO. Wish it had been Clark, tho. He’s pissing me off.

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Date: 2003-03-10 22:32
What a Joke

Who let Plastic Man into the Justice League?

Seriously?

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Date: 2004-06-17 20:23
Hall of Idiocy

The five founders built this place by letting people be part of the process. They knew even the guy two inches tall could have a great idea so they listened to all of them. That’s what made the Justice League, the Justice League. Well those days are over now. The place has become a joke. Now its all about ego and letting the world know/think you came up with the idea to brainwash Batman and you’re a freaking genius. It ain’t about being great heroes, its about doing whatever you freaking want, no matter how stupid, even if it’s because Dr. Light raped Sue Dibny. And the new guys are too busy kissing the ass of the “great” heroes to mention that a team of celebrity super heroes ON THE FREAKING MOON shouldn’t be mentally scrubbing each other’s brain pans no matter how innocent or heroic you think it is! Groundbreaking!

So you’d think that they’d be begging people for new members. Someone that at least seemed like they’re trying. What the hell could it hurt to let someone make suggestions? But no, Clark and Bruce and Diana are gods and we’re just a bunch of crotch grabbers. Get this hurricane, stop another talking monkey and make a copy of this but if you have an independent thought while speeding to monitor duty make sure you punch yourself in the nuts.

They had one of their “recruiting” meetings in the big conference room today so a group of us went in and sat down. Then five minutes into the meeting, J’onn looks over at us and ‘politely’ mentally suggests that most of us leave. What the hell could it hurt to let us listen in and hear what we had to say? What I might actually upset someone if I pointed out that WE ALREADY HAVE A GREEN LANTERN AND RECRUITING ANOTHER GREEN LANTERN ISN’T AN HOMAGE IT’S LAZY AND OVERKILL!!!!?

This place is so frustrating. People need to get their heads out of their asses and realize a good hero is a good hero regardless of who came first. There are so many kick ass members I could suggest but they’re all afraid that if someone else comes up with an idea, then they’ll look bad. Get over yourself, Batman! You think that nobody else thought of approaching Nightwing? You’re  WRONG.

Whatever, F it, I’m getting another beer and then I’m going to Jean Loring myself a steak. I mean, uh, barbecue a steak. Maybe five.

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Date: 2004-06-25 20:23
Think you know me?

Wow, looks like this blog got famous real fast. Seems like people think I’m easy to track down. You’re wrong. I’ve been around for a while and not been caught yet, and don’t plan on it. You want proof? Wait for it. Wait. See that? That was me. RIGHT BEHIND YOU.

Monitor duty should be interesting…

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Date: 2004-07-31 15:32
Unusual Suspect

The mystery of DC_b0y has swept the Watchtower! Everyone is playing detective, including the world’s greatest who couldn’t find his head up his leather-suited ass if I shined a freaking Batsignal on it. I gotta admit, its kind of fun acting innocent and playing along with everyone. I really don’t think anyone has any idea it’s me.

Spoilers! Want em? Fine. I’m banned from the JL Message board for a bit, but that’s fine, I don’t need that ego-site. All eyes are here anyway. And for all of you haters that think I am making all of this up, chew on this:

1) THE MULTIVERSE LIVES – Yeah, that’s right. Suck it, Lady Quark. Everyone’s back but you.

2) Superman – Clark and Bruce got into a huge argument today on the phone over who could actually kick whose ass for good. Clark’s been giving the yellow sun, super strength routine, but Bruce threatens that a certain “green ring” could return. No idea how it ended or what was decided, Clark went into a conference room after and came out red-faced from either fighting until he won or pissed that he lost. Or there was red-K in there and he turned himself into Hellboy. Yeah, I said Hellboy. Multiverse, bitches. Suck it!

Discuss, or diss me, whatever. Clark, Bruce, Diana and their little clique (as well as their “yes” man J’onn) are the current hacks running the Watchtower and the Justice League into the ground. Eventually, their time will be up and Steel will be the rightful heir. Trust me.

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Date: 2005-01-20 21:17
Still Standing

Looks like the game is getting serious now! Not only did I get a shout out in the Batman-brainwashing follow up meeting today but now the Question is involved and he can’t even figure out who I am. Seriously? Is this even legal if it’s addressed to “Mr. ?”

I’m not sure how serious this is. Yeah I can get fired and maybe even demoted to Young Justice but truthfully, this place lost a lot of the luster awhile ago for me and I was going to look for a new job anyway. I hear the Doom Patrol is hiring now. In fact, the only real thing keeping me here is the fun I’m having now. So I might as well race the bull till it dies of exhaustion.

And for all of you that think that all I do is bash the JLA, that’s not true. I made out with Zatanna today and it was great. It’s something else when she makes her tongue roll backwards in my mouth. Don’t tell my significant other (that is, if you discover who I am, Pointy Ears)!

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Date: 2005-02-12 3:10
On Second Thought…

I’ve been thinking about this and after rereading that threatening email from the Question a few times, I’m starting to think this could be serious. I don’t want to get in trouble and I don’t want to get anyone else in trouble so I’m just going to come right out and confess. It was me, Aquaman. I just want to apologize and say I’m sorry. And to make up for it, I will bring in free salmon rolls and fish sticks for all this Saturday.

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Date: 2005-02-13 12:32
Beatdowns & Spoilers

Interesting day at work today. I got in early, fired up the computer, sat back and watched as half the team descended upon Arthur and cut him a new blowhole. Poor guy, never saw it coming. LMAO. Ok, so he was really just questioned for like an hour or so. Sorry, King of the Seven Seas. The man was on my trail and I had to throw him off my scent by offering up something that smelled… fishy. Oy. Hope there are no hard feelings and I’m sure those heat vision burns will heal up soon.

Have a great weekend! Here’s some presents:

Superboy’s alive. No, the Pre-Crisis one. So is Jason Todd.

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Date: 2008-01-02 12:00
On Hating and loving…

A lot of questions out there… To all of you haters out there that keep calling me a hater, let me spell this out for you. I do not hate the Justice League, I did not want the Watchtower to burn down. I did not want Superboy to die and I did not want the Multiverse to reappear and bring back all these funny animals and WILD.C.A.T.S. Look, I died and then I came back. Was that fun? No. I am not doing this because I am an attention whore. I just don’t like some of the things that the Justice League has done while I was gone, the people they brought on, and I am trying to use this as a forum to get the League to rethink some of these decisions.

Ok, here’s the thing. Say what you want about me, but I am not an idiot. No, I’m not responding to comments. Why? Anything I say could be used as a clue back to who I am. People are looking for me and regardless of the fact that I don’t love what I do, I’m not going to be so dumb to make it obvious who I am. I’m not going to paint a big lightning bolt across my chest. I’m not ready to get fired or possibly sued! There’s a reason I haven’t been caught – not everything I’ve said is exactly true and well, they couldn’t catch me if they tried. Ain’t gonna happen.

And you want a spoiler, here’s the spoiler. Here’s the dark little secret that no one outside the office walls is talking about: Someone is about a year or so away from getting iced. Not just shown the door to the afterlife but having it slammed so hard it knocks them on their ass. There have been at least three meetings in the last couple of weeks about the signs and a possible crisis on the way (again!) and if history has proved us right, someone’s buying it. God, I hope it’s Batman. The writing’s on the wall and he knows it. He looks terrible, he’s hardly around anymore and when he is, he just sits in his room, thinking about Jason Todd with the door closed. He even got disinvited to the ‘Dark Knight’ premiere in NYC! So when it happens, remember you heard it HERE first, Batman? R.I.P. Don’t be surprised if the third movie is called ‘The Dark Alfred’!

By the way, DC_B0y is not a boy. He’s ALL MAN.

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Date: 2008-05-21 1:00
The Reports of My Death Are Greatly Exaggerated

Who knew that so many people would care about what I thought? I started this blog because one of my mentor(s) had one before he/she entered the Speed Force and he/she said he/she enjoyed doing it. So I started one. I wrote a few entries and realized that I did enjoy doing it. It was free therapy. It felt like I had a diary or a journal. Granted it was a diary that people had access to but other than the few people that I told about it, I really didn’t think anyone would see it. I was just writing about my life and some stuff at work. Next thing I know, people are attacking me online and IT’s checking browser histories. This was a journal. A freaking blog. Everyone is doing them. There are old ladies in Keystone City doing them. It’s not a newspaper. It’s not a magazine. It’s my personal thoughts. It’s my opinions.

But because I opened my big, fat mouth, I’m gonna buy it in 2009. That’s right, kids. There’s a Final Crisis on it’s way and anonymity be damned anymore. Because when a crisis comes a-callin’, you can be sure anyone in a red suit is getting aced. No, not Santa. Hello Crisis, goodbye Flash.

Maybe I was a little too honest on how I felt or maybe I went a little too far on my critiques of the Justice League. But if I did, it was only because I care. I wasn’t looking to hurt anybody or looking for my 15 minutes. (I planned on getting that the right way through my reggae-rockabilly band, but trust me, its not going to last two issues into the Final Freaking Crisis. Put a lightning bolt on your chest; see what kind of target it makes.) I was just trying to point out what I thought was wrong as far as some of the things that we’re doing. It’s how you get things fixed and make sure they get better. You talk about a problem and figure out a way to fix it, Clark – you don’t just go punching your way back in time to make things right. I don’t get why I’m wrong. If I worked at a newspaper and saw something that didn’t make sense, would I get in trouble for saying that I know a better way of doing it? No, I’d probably get a promotion and a raise and an office. But instead, it looks like the way to get ahead at an office is to inappropriately change in the storage closet and type your stories at superspeed. I got attacked and now possibly killed. What sense does that make? Let’s kill the guy that is trying to make our team better. That’ll learn’em! What do they care? They’ll probably resurrect Max Mercury the second I’m dead.

Whatever. The bottom line is that this was supposed to be fun and relaxing and all it’s done is created problems. It’s really not a lot of fun showing up to work every day for the last two weeks wondering if I’m going to get called up for a “mission to the anti-matter universe”. I actually like my job. I’m on the freaking Justice League, how cool is that? I’ve seen some things here that I didn’t expect and didn’t like but then again, I ain’t getting up at 5 in the morning to do monitor duty for the lame-ass Shadowpact. So I run the race for now. If your’e tangled up, just tango out and that’s what I’m gonna do, even when it means that they kill me again for a year until Mark Waid wants to bring me back some lame-ass way like with an evil twin or through true love.

Some things before I buy it:

There were some problems that needed to be fixed and once someone listens to me, hopefully we can get them fixed. I do not roam the streets of Manhattan at night wearing a mask, a cape, sweat pants and stilettos in an attempt to rid the world of jaywalkers and emo bands. Aquaman is not pissed at me. Well actually he is, he just doesn’t know that me is me so he likes me but he really hates me. It’s complex. Dan Didio hates me and the Final Crisis takes place in a comic book, just like our entire world according to Animal Man and Grant Morrison, who just so happens to be writing the Final Crisis mini-series in which Barry Allen returns and I probably die.

I regret nothing

West out.

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Xeric winning cartoonist Neil Kleid authored Ninety Candles, a novella about life, legacy and comics and Brownsville, a book about Jewish mobsters for NBM Publishing. His webcomic, Action, Ohio, is running at DC Comics’ online competition, Zudacomics.com throughout the month of May. He’s written X-Men for Marvel, The Intimidators for Shadowline, Ursa Minors! for Slave Labor Graphics and Tales from the Crypt for Papercutz. He co-founded the Chemistry Set webcomic collective where he wrote Todt Hill. He lives in New York with his wife, Laurie, who inspired the story in this book, and is working on four graphic novels, two mini-series, two webcomics, a trade paperback and no sleep. Pray for him at www.rantcomics.com

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All characters are ™ & (c) their respective owners. All Rights Reserved.

Take That! is a satire published by Newsarama, and is not intended maliciously. Newsarama has invented all names and situations in its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental, or used as a fictional depiction or personality parody (permitted under Hustler Magazine v. Fallwell, 485 US 46, 108 S.Ct 876, 99 L.Ed.2d 41 (1988)). Newsarama makes no representation as to the truth or accuracy of the preceding information.

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