I must own this comic.

I know, I know. You’re wondering what the hell that is, aren’t you? Well, it turns out that it’s The Crusaders #10, by Jack T. Chick. Please, Ms. Pink Bat Max, explain to the nice audience why they too should read this classic:

The story starts off at a decadent Hollywood party for a rock musician, where our Crusaders attend. Because of no attempts at characterization, I can only think of the Crusaders as the ‘White One’ and the ‘Black One’, since the theme of these two guys throughout the series is ‘A white guy and a black guy, despite their racial differences, find brotherhood in Christ and travel the globe doing daring deeds for the Lord. So, ‘a white guy and a black guy’. When they need to show unconditional love despite all differences Chick uses the black guy. Otherwise, he uses the white guy. Oh, and in most issues they’re shown topless in a shared hotel room. Make of that what you will. Anyway, the black guy. Anyway, we see the story starting with the famous rock musician Bobby Dallas in his VW bug being run off the road by a sleek black luxury car. He’s found by a man and a woman who take him to the hospital. “Help him, Lord God!” prays the man. “Help him, Great Mother Diana!” prays the woman.

Well…. he recovers, and we see ‘The Black Guy’ sitting with him bedside. “If you’d died, would you have gone to heaven?” B.G. asks. “I can’t go to heaven,” Bobby Dallas explains. “I made a contract!” B.G. patiently explains “My Jesus can break ANY contract!”

White woman observes this from the hall, and vows “I’ll put a stop to THIS!” She calls a nurse to have our crusader evicted. “I’ve been set up!” he thinks.

Later, our hero goes to the party, where we see decadences upon decadences, including an asian man in a Fu Manchu mustache, his face covered in white greasepaint and a Black Widow spider painted upon his forehead introduce his new love….. oh, snap, a TRANNY! “Far out!” exclaims the persona being introduced to.

Next page, we get a run down of all the occult symbols seen at the party.

Well, suffice to say, Bobby Dallas has been seen with a Crusader too many times, and after that party, his record producers say… “Bobby Dallas brought invaders in among us….. he’s a traitor!” “THat’s right…. that Black Guy was pitchin’ jesus at him by the pool!” “If Bobby turns…. he could blow our cover….. let’s ice him!”

Next panel, we see Bobby, without benefit of weights, sinking to the bottom of his pool. In cruciform.

What’s going on, you wonder?

In the next pages, we see the origins of Rock in devilist Druid circles, where they sacrificed humans and played drums made from human skin! We find out that the Beatles….. yes the BEATLES….. were the instrument that broke the will of the West once and for all, turning it’s children on to occultism!

I should’ve known. Ringo always seemed shifty.

Seriously, this has to be re-released immediately.

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