Presumably unaware of “Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex,” the satirical website The Toque launches into its own graphic explanation of why Superman and Lois Lane could never conceive a child:
But what about Superman’s super-human sperm? Wouldn’t those Kryptonian swimmers blaze through Lois’s vaginal canal like Aquaman chasing mermaids in a soft ocean current? Even if Clark Kent’s little spermies made it to Lois’s egg without destroying her reproductive organs as collateral damage, Superman’s dominant sperm would break through Lois’s ovum like a jackhammer on an M&M.
Still think it’s possible?
Even if we were to ignore these factors and believe that Superman could impregnate the Pulitzer Prize winning journalist with his superman-milk without killing her, then the super-fetus would certainly be the death of her.
And those are the more family-friendly excerpts. Eh, I like Larry Niven’s take better.
August 8th, 2006 at 2:44 pm
That’s all nice and cute, but seeing as how Superman JUST HAD a kid, it’s not possible to argue against it now. I’m often baffled by how commercial jets stay in the air, and I could probably make up reasons why it shouldn’t work, but they do. And Superman has a kid.
August 8th, 2006 at 2:52 pm
Is anyone else as incredibly disturbed by the phrase “superman-milk” as much as I am?
August 8th, 2006 at 2:57 pm
Oh, I was more disturbed by some of the other phrasing in the article.
August 8th, 2006 at 3:52 pm
They’ve seen Mallrats.
August 8th, 2006 at 4:11 pm
How long ago was it I realized, barring uncanny similarities between human and Kryptonian customs, Superman was uncircumcised? Not long…
Was I proud of this insight? Or, did I wonder in dismay at my priorities that such concerns should enter my head at all?
August 8th, 2006 at 6:24 pm
Does Superman tongue burst Lois Lane’s cheeks? No! Then why does everyone thinks his sperm would destroy her in the most atrocious fashion?
They’d be incompatible becuase he’s an alien and his sperm would not recognize Lois’s egg. Or even if there was any fertilization, it would soon abort because of the drastically diferent genetic strategies encripted in each parent’s genome.
Too nerdy?
August 8th, 2006 at 9:00 pm
Look, it’s pretty simple.
If Superman can’t fuck, well, he’s not really much of any kind of ‘super’, is he?
Therefore, Superman can fuck.
All subsequent commentary can be chalked up to “the kind of stupid nonsense they thought was clever in the late 60s.”
August 9th, 2006 at 1:57 am
The movie Superman lost his powers in the Red Sun Chamber before he did the boogaloo with Lois, therefore all this talk of super-sperm is really beside the point.
Hugo’s on the right track with his genetic incompatibility talk, tho. Just look how sickly their offspring is.
August 9th, 2006 at 9:21 am
Lois Lane is more likely to concieve with a Tarantula or a Sperm Whale than anything born on the Planet Krypton
August 9th, 2006 at 9:42 am
Genetic compatability – BAH. We’re talking about DNA that gets superpowers from charging up under a yellow sun. I think after THAT bit of genetic impossibility, the idea of genetic compatability being a “deal-breaker” goes out the window.
(I mean, if you want to quibble, fine, but if you can suspend your disbelief enough to believe that the DNA of an alien from another galaxy manages to configure itself in a way that makes him LOOK exactly like a human being from Earth, but give him super powers that charge up based on a specific wavelength of light being emitted from a star, I think we can give them a pass on whether or not it would be compatible enough with human DNA to allow reproduction).
So can Superman have a son? I think the answer is the same as the one to the question “can Superman fly?” – he can if the writers decide that he can.
August 9th, 2006 at 11:57 pm
And any argument that the fetus would destroy Lois’ womb is moot. The baby would be half human to begin with, unlikely to possess the same level of power that his father does. Secondly, the fetus, being in the womb, would not be exposed to sunlight until after the birth. Assuming the curtains were closed in the delivery room, I can’t see there being a problem.
August 10th, 2006 at 9:44 am
As far as ejaculatory super-momentum goes, I reckon Superman would be able to”pull” his “punch”
August 14th, 2006 at 8:52 am
The child in the movie was the result of bad writing caused by the need for an unexpected twist.
Lois knows who the father is – and that is Siperman. But she couldnt have since the kiss in the second movie erased her memories. She should have been wondering who the hell raped her.
Plot hole, bad writing and a poor movie, nothing more.
It is what happens when the comic company doesnt have creative control over the movies. BTW, which is the main reason Marvel is explain Wolverine’s origin. They want to do it before a movie does.
August 14th, 2006 at 8:55 am
someday i will learn how to spell! “Siperman” Ugh!
November 14th, 2007 at 4:53 pm
Hasn’t anyone mentioned two simple words: “red sun”?
Superman becomes just like a human when on a planet with a red sun, no superpowers whatsoever.
In order to conceive Supes and Lois would just search the galaxy for a suitable planet warmed by a red sun then viola!, a bouncing baby, that would be human like, but with superpowers upon being exposed to a yellow sun.
February 6th, 2008 at 5:14 am
You guys are all way off. It’s actually kind of ridiculous. By the way, I hate the fact that Superman has a kid in the movie, although it is kind of fun, it ruins Superman’s image and in my book the comic book is the authority when it comes to plot line. Superman Returns was meant to be a continuation of Superman movies I and II. In Superman II he willingly had his father:Jor-El strip him of his powers so he could dedicate his life to Lois Lane. FFYI that makes him practically human. Anywayz, they made woopy in the fortress, and if you wanna know how he ever got his powers back or if Lex Luthor has been to Fortress of Solitude you might want to spend 5 solitary hours of your life watching Superman I and II and THEN watch Superman Returns. By the way… most blockbusters carry all IV