Newspapers sure do like that “How Gay Is Superman?” story — but not as much as they love “lesbian Batwoman.”

John Weeks of the San Bernadino County, Calif., Sun takes a slightly different angle, though: Of course Superman is gay! Please explain, Mr. Weeks:

If Superman was straight, we’d see the difference right away. There would be major problems.

For one thing, Superman wouldn’t look nearly as cool.

There is no way a straight man is going to zip around town in a muscle shirt, tights and a billowing cape.

No, if Superman was straight, he’d shlub around in dorky looking clothes, complete with a ballcap. He wouldn’t cut a dramatic figure at all, like he does now.

Also, he wouldn’t be buff. He wouldn’t have that chiseled torso and those bulging muscles that strike terror into the hearts of evil-doers.

Instead of the Man of Steel, he’d be the Man of Pudding. He’d have a gut, and slouching shoulders, and probably a big butt. Maybe even a plumber’s crack. He’d walk like a duck.

Lois Lane couldn’t be reached for comment at press time.

Of celebrations and comics sales

The Southern Illinoisian (Illinoisan?) gets a bit cutesy with its coverage of the 28th annual Superman Celebration in Metropolis, Ill.:

Lex Luthor is planning to seize control of Metropolis.

Electronic inquiries to the Metropolis Chamber of Commerce are met with a warning that a computer virus has compromised the user’s computer – courtesy of Milton Fine (aka Brainiac) and Luthor Technologies.

The only remedy is to attend the 28th Annual Superman Celebration this weekend. The combined force of Earthlings and the overall ambiance of Superman are expected to overwhelm Luthor’s evil genius.

Buried among the guest list and talk of reprisal from General Zod is an observation from retailer Dennis McCord of Campus Comics in Carbondale that Superman comics aren’t big sellers. “The (different media, such as film adaptations) help, but it only makes a little blip in comic book sales,” he told the newspaper.

He noted that the biggest blip came from the 1989 Batman starring Michael Keaton. The X-Men movies, though, had little to no effect on those titles, and in fact even preceded a dip in sales.

More on Jesus Christ, Superman

Stephen Skelton, author of The Gospel According to the World’s Greatest Superhero, is getting his 15 minutes, courtesy of Superman Returns.

He’s set to speak this weekend in Smyrna, Tenn., so the Murfreesboro Daily News Journal talks with him about, you guessed it, Superman as Christ figure:

The original Superman story was created by two Jewish teenage boys in the early 1930s.

“Those guys said they based (the story) on (Old Testament biblical characters) Moses and Sampson. Then shortly thereafter the writers recognized that it was actually the gospel story,” Skelton said.

Eventually, Detective Comics (now DC Comics) bought the rights and published the first Superman in 1938 in their Action Comics series. By 1939, the story was a major hit.

But publishers did make a few changes to the script and characters. According to Skelton’s research, originally the first comic book earthly adoptive father turns to the earthly adoptive mother and says, “Look, Mary, it’s a baby boy.” Joseph is also the middle name of Clark Kent, who is Superman.

“Frankly, I think the publishers got nervous. It was a little too close for comfort, so they changed (Mary) to Martha,” Skelton said.

Or, it could’ve been one of the many times a character’s name was changed because of creator carelessness or forgetfulness. Nah.

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